Friday March 4, 2022

Revealed! The Origin of Laser Kitty!

Revealed! The Origin of Laser Kitty!

Memo:

DO NOT GIVE LEMONS TO CATS!

The facts:

Operation Laser Lemons, the clandestine project of a covert Navy SEALS science and technology unit, inadvertently introduced the active ingredients of its latest ORN (“only required nutrition”) to a kitten that had stowed away on the laboratory barge. (See Conspiracy Truth Finders for details.)

The ORN, designed to be the only nutrition required for prolonged covert missions when consuming solid nourishment would likely reveal a SEAL position, contains clean energy in the form of 125 mg of caffeine derived from natural sources. It also contains 25 mg of broad spectrum CBD, distilled from 125 mg of hemp. 

The flavoring of the ORN, as the name of the project says, is lemon. But not just your everyday regular Meyers lemon. The ORN contains the liquified substance derived from another clandestine SEALS science operation—Laser Lemons. 

The idea:

Laser Lemons are known to endow humans with bountiful energy, eagerness, and enthusiasm, as they are grown from lemons that have been cultivated with plants known to have similar properties.

The incident:

Just as SEAL scientists were perfecting the ORN beverage for human sampling, a kitten of indeterminate origin was seen sampling a beaker of unfiltered Laser Lemons to quench its thirst.  

The result:

As highly trained guards cautiously moved to the kitten to remove it from the lab, the kitten adjusted into a defensive position, arching its back and extending its fur so as to appear larger to the perceived danger.

As the guards inched closer, beckoning the kitten to come to them with repeated sotto voce “here kitty, kitty,” the kitten tilted its head back and, in the words of one of the sworn witnesses, “silently emitted a pair of blinding beams of light from its eyes that cut through a steel support post, rendering it in half and causing substantial damage to the lab.”

The kitten took advantage of the ensuing chaos, jumping from the table with a menacing growl and ran out of the lab, chased by uniformed guards and lab-coated scientists who were unsuccessful in locating the fugitive feline.

The bottom line:

DO NOT GIVE LEMONS TO CATS!

And especially do not allow cats to drink Kill Cliff’s Laser Lemons new Octane beverage, a delicious, refreshing citrusy drink with 125 mg of clean caffeine and 25 mg of CBD.

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